yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I look better un-naked...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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