i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
