textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
