im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
