You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
