This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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