My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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