Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
