wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
