I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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