I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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