Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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