Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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