And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
