He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
