I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
