Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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