I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
