When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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