the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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