I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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