In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
