there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
