I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
