what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
