so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
