fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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