There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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