I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
