Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
