You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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