I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
