You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
