If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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