I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
