WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
