Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
