he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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