My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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