Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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