two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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