My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
