Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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