just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
