i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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