I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
