mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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