i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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