who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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