her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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