Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if i died would you start the facebook group?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
