He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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