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Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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