She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
