I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize