No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
