Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
