i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
